5 Ways Pornography Impacts a Marriage

The fact that many Christian men watch pornography is alarming. The fact that it impacts their Christian wives and marriages is heartbreaking.

Today, we are going to look at five ways pornography impacts a marriage and how that plays out. 

First, it must be said that watching pornography itself is not abusive but can lead to abuse. It is a red flag in any relationship when pornography use has been disclosed. 

Second, I want to commend the men who have responded in a healthy way to the sin in their life by getting the help they need to reach a place of repentance, thus creating a way for marital restoration. 

Third, let’s see what God’s Word has to say about pornography use:

1. Watching pornography is an act of adultery

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you
that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed
adultery with her in his heart.  Matthew 5:27-28

2. Watching pornography is a sin

For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the
boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. 1 John 2:16

3. Watching pornography defiles the marriage bed

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

Leslie Vernick shared*, there is a healthy and unhealthy response to sin. 

•  A healthy response is one of taking responsibility for the choice to sin and then getting the help needed to stop.
• An unhealthy response is to deny, blame, shame, justify, and minimize the sin and any impact on others. Time will reveal the true heart behind each response. 

The five points below are from the article on the Be Broken website, “The 5 Top Reasons I Don’t Watch Porn and Why You Need to Consider Making them Your Own List.” Blog article on Be Broken website 

Please pause as you read these to think about how this can impact a marriage:

1. It trains me to be a taker rather than a giver.

2. It robs me of time, peace, and productivity.

3. It disconnects me from reality.

4. It undermines my faith.

5. It cheapens sex and degrades human dignity.

Conversely, a healthy marriage reflects a husband who is a servant leader (Ephesians 5:25), cherishes and nourishes his wife (Ephesians 5:28-30), is not harsh or bitter (Colossians 3:19), is understanding (1 Peter 3:7), and gives honor to his wife (1 Peter 3:7). These qualities cannot co-exist with the five statements above.

 As one of our Oasis Bible Study participants shared, "pornography use completely robs your marriage." Another shares, "You may think it can be innocent fun, but it is wrong and it’s never enough. The abuse will grow into every aspect of your daily life. There's no such thing as a little of it is okay."

HOW IS THIS SEEN IN THE LIVES OF THE WOMEN WE SERVE?

The remainder of this blog will walk you through the impact on many marriages of the women we serve through Living Waters of Hope and the Oasis Bible Study support classes. Keep in mind the definition, dynamics, and behaviors of domestic abuse to be able to connect the impact on the marriages that will be described. 

Not all men who watch pornography are abusive, especially if they are trying to get the help they need to live a more pure and godly life. Not all women who are abused have husbands involved with pornography use.  

Before we continue, it is important to understand what domestic abuse is so you can better understand the relationship between pornography use and domestic abuse.

The Department of Justice has a 3-part definition of domestic abuse.

• Domestic abuse is a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain and maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  
• Domestic abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological actions or threats of action that influence another person. (I want to add that it can also be verbal, spiritual, and financial)
• This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone.

Please note the words “pattern” and “power and control" in the first part of the definition. Tools like the Power and Control Wheel and the Cycle of Abuse describe these behaviors and the cyclical pattern in more detail. 

We asked our Oasis Bible Study participants to answer some survey questions. Thirteen women responded. This is a very small sampling of responses, however, the topic of sexual abuse brings the most tears during our Oasis classes. The hurt and pain reach into the deepest parts of a woman’s heart and mind and take years of recovery.

As one woman shared, "It hurts deep in the soul."

HERE ARE A FEW OF THE QUESTIONS WE ASKED...

QUESTION: HOW WOULD YOU RATE THE IMPACT OF PORNOGRAPHY ON YOUR MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP?

Sixty-two percent of the thirteen Oasis Bible Study women who completed our survey marked “10” (on a scale of 1-10) to indicate the harmful impact on their marriage as a result of their husband’s pornography use. The other women scored an average of 8.2. 

One woman wrote,  "The impact is profound and devastating to your relationship and your mental health." 

QUESTION: BIBLICALLY, PORNOGRAPHY USE IS ADULTRY (Matthew 5:28), BUT WHEN DO YOU THINK IT CROSSES THE LINE INTO ABUSE? 

When it mistreats God’s intention of marriage. 

When a spouse is looking at porn, he starts seeing his partner as an object like the ones being looked at and fantasized over. 

When your partner expects you to watch it and act like that in bed. 

When it is put before the needs of the rest of the family.

When you get blamed as the reason he’s using pornography.

When a man is demanding his wants onto his wife. 

That is not in any way treating her as Christ serves the church (Ephesians 5:25 - servant leader model for a husband)

That is not giving to the bride like Jesus who gave His life for His bride.

When they are using your body to act out fantasies with other real women they have lusted after from work, church, or even close friends. 

It ALL crosses the line.

QUESTION: WHAT TYPES OF ABUSE CAN IT LEAD TO?

Everyone answered emotional, sexual, and physical. Other types of abuse listed were spiritual, verbal, financial, and psychological. 

I want to mention that there is a level of violence in the world of pornography. This can be reflected in the common survey answer of physical abuse. God has never intended for women and wives to be treated in this way. This, along with the many other comments you will read, reflect a very unhealthy man leading to a very unhealthy relationship. 

If you are a woman resonating with what you are reading, please understand that his choice to watch pornography has more to do with him than you. Women have shared that no matter what they did or did not do in the bedroom, their partner’s pornography use was unchanged. 

QUESTION: WHAT ARE SOME DESCRIPTIONS THAT REFLECT SEXUAL AND OTHER FORMS OF ABUSE?

Being shamed when asking for change. Using tactics like gaslighting, being
blamed for not meeting his needs, and anger when his needs are not met.
Pornography also leads to having an over-charged sexual appetite and
unrealistic expectations.

They make you feel ugly, yell at you, or not want to have sex with you because
you don’t measure up.

Spiritual abuse - using scripture and “Christian marriage/sex books” to say things
like, “You never give me enough sex and you're supposed to.”

The sexual relationship is so significant for the wife. The tension from expressing dissatisfaction often can cause a wife to feel as though she’s there to serve anything her husband wants, which can cause a woman to feel like she is his
prostitute. 

It is a painful, stinging recurring (in my marriage) issue that never felt better. It was incredibly difficult to feel picked over, used as a substitute for fantasies, and to be expected to do things that felt wrong, ungodly, painful, and void of true connection in all forms.

He became incredibly rough with me and distant in the bedroom.

QUESTION: HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED RESTORATION TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN THE HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND GETS THE HELP HE NEEDS?

Sadly, all responses were “no” with a few comments that their husbands/boyfriends were in “denial.” In other words, their husbands were unwilling to take responsibility for their sin and the harm they had done to the marital relationship. Instead, women are typically blamed and shamed along with being coerced to participate in unwanted sexual acts. 

As one woman shared, When I confronted my husband when I first found out, he just got better at hiding it. 

Even sadder is this story by one of the survey participants,

My ex-husband did not get true help. Those who were “helping” did not confront him for fear of losing him in the church and did not help me. They sought to exert church discipline on me for leaving my perpetrator and did not ever discipline him.

We would like to thank the pastors who understand domestic abuse and are willing to protect a wife by confronting and keeping accountable men who are harming their wives in any way. We have some amazing pastors who do just that and also refer women to our Oasis Bible Study classes to get the help and support they need.

3 THINGS TO DO IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SEXUAL ABUSE:

1. Understand that his pornography use is an issue with him rather than you

2. Pray for the truth to be revealed.

3. Know that if you are being mistreated in this area, healthy boundaries are biblical to
    remain safe and respected. 

If you have experienced this kind of betrayal, our hearts are with you. The pain is deep and the recovery is slow. We invite any women impacted by this or any type of controlling behavior to join our safe and confidential Oasis Bible Study Support Classes. This 3-book Bible study series has been specifically written to Christian women impacted by abusive behavior. Please know that God loves you and wants to redeem your pain for greater purpose. 

 3 WAYS TO SUPPORT SOMEONE YOU KNOW

1. Listen with compassion and confidentiality.

2. Help her find resources to help her and her husband, if he is interested. (see below)

3. Pray and support her on this long journey of recovery from betrayal.

Resources

Pure Life Alliance

Oasis Bible Study classes

*Shared in a June 2024 monthly meeting (EQUIP) for counselors and other support people.