Beyond Normal Disagreements: Recognizing Abuse

 4 factors to help distinguish between normal marriage conflict and domestic abuse:

“For years, I believed that the arguments and criticism I experienced in my marriage were just a normal part of life. I thought that everyone went through similar struggles. But as I began to piece together the puzzle of my relationship, I realized that the pain I felt was more than just disagreements. It was a pattern of control, manipulation, and emotional abuse.”

Does this sound familiar to you? It's easy to confuse normal marital conflict with abuse, especially when the line between the two can be blurred. Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but when they escalate into a pattern of control and dominance, it's a red flag.

In a healthy relationship, both partners feel valued and respected. There is open communication, mutual support, and a sense of equality. In an abusive relationship, one partner exerts power and control over the other, often using fear,intimidation, or manipulation to maintain dominance.

It's important to remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you're experiencing a pattern of abusive behavior, it's not your fault, and you're not alone. There are resources available to help you break free from this cycle and build a healthier, happier future.

 1. Defining Domestic Abuse

Normal marriage conflict consists of a hurtful situation where both spouses are willing to take responsibility and learn how to correct that behavior or be better in a given area of needed growth out of a mutual love and respect for each other and the marriage covenant. Domestic abuse consists of one spouse "lording" it over another. There is a pattern to the harmful behavior and an unwillingness for the harming spouse to take consistent responsibility for his actions, but will blame the other spouse instead. There is no mutuality and very inconsistent displays of respect and love. 

2. Cycle of abuse 

Abusive behaviors happen in a cyclical manner: Calm, Tension Building, and Explosive (or the silent treatment). The calm phase can feel very normal and loving but it doesn't last. This might be confusing for you, as you are being emotionally, financially, spiritually, verbally, or physically harmed. He says he loves you but then mistreats you. In time, the cycle repeats itself more frequently and more intensely. Without intervention (and even with at times) the abuse will only get worse... And when you tolerate it, you are enabling the cycle. Understanding this cycle can help you see through the manipulation, even as your partner seems normal in the calm phase. 

3. Red Flags 

Sometimes abuse is subtle and easy to brush off. And depending on your own background, you might not realize certain behaviors are an indicator of abuse. You can learn relational red flags and identify them in your marriage. For example: Is conflict resolution near impossible? Does one spouse always get blamed for the "problems" in the marriage? Can you freely express an opinion that differs from your husband? Here is a full list of Red Flags for you to read. 

4. Healthy vs Unhealthy Responses

When a healthy person is confronted with a sinful behavior that has hurt the other person, he/she responds with remorse and compassion. They will take responsibility for those hurtful actions and show a willingness to change their behavior. They have a desire to wrestle through these hurtful situations for a healthy and mutual solution. 

When an unhealthy person is confronted, they respond like the foolish person in Proverbs - stiff necked, prideful, arrogant, unwilling to change, repeats his harmful behavior, etc. There is typically blaming, shaming, projection (he shifts the blame onto her for the harm he is actually doing), and an unwillingness to take or accept responsibility for his part in the harm done to the relationship. Interestingly, controlling spouses are typically unempathetic and often marry women who are empathetic. 

Recognizing the difference between normal marital conflict and abuse is the first step towards healing. If you've identified signs of abuse in your relationship, you can reach out for help. We are here to offer you resources to support you, including domestic violence hotlines, counseling services, and support groups. In a godly marriage, you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Through the power of Christ, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and embark on a journey of healing.